Month: February 2021

Eyes Wide Shut (part 1)

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So, I had a new virtual life. Soon, it had become just as real as my everyday life at home. It gave me what I couldn’t have: opportunities to socialize and express my creativity.  I tried to follow the crowd, but there were downtimes when I got really bored, especially at night. Although the transport centers -where you land when you log in- were still like eerie ghost towns, I often hung out there…waiting for new, soon-to-be friends or at least a person with whom I can talk.

On this particular night, a private message started flashing on the bottom of the screen. The avatar behind the sender was standing right next to me. His message was a simple greeting that I answered. Ten minutes later, we were having a conversation. A very interesting one.

At this point, I need to completely change the subject for a bit to explain what happened next. Over the years, my marriage transformed from a romantic relationship into a friendship. We loved (and still love) each other but the romantic feelings and physical desires had been gone for years. I tried to accept it, truly. I had a very active sexual life in my 20’s. Maybe it’s ok to settle down. Oh my god, that sounds terrible. I am 41, not 81. Who am I kidding? And what could I do about it? I had a lot of desires that I suppressed for a long time up until I felt that I was going to explode and kill someone. Instead, I had a random affair. I’m not proud of it. I don’t regret it either. Then I tried to make changes in my marriage. Of course, it didn’t work. I escaped and immersed myself in all sorts of fantasies in the company of my sex toys. That was my solution. Pathetic…or maybe not, depends on how you look at it. There is one awesome thing about fantasizing: you can learn a lot about yourself if you pay attention. One particular fantasy of mine had begun to knock on the door of my mind to let me know it’s something I should expand. It was submission.

I’m the type who wears pants in a relationship but not in bed. In intimate situations, I want to be led and overpowered. I want to be the prey. I agree with people who say that no matter how the world changes, we will always have those primal desires, and women have the submissive nature even if they bury it. It doesn’t mean we want to be oppressed as human beings! Unfortunately, many of us simply don’t get that submission is not equal to being a vegetable under a man’s knife. Anyways, I couldn’t explore my desires with my husband. He didn’t like the idea. We had numerous conversations. Eventually, I gave up, but I didn’t blame him at all. Nonetheless, my fantasies were still there, and although it may be hard to believe, they had become pushier by the hour. More importantly, I soon realized that it was not about only sex. There was something else. Something about submission and power exchange attracted me. I really didn’t understand it, but that didn’t matter. I had a new solution. From that point, I looked at Utherverse from a different angle. No, I’m neither stupid nor naïve. Virtual sex, flings, adventures…silly, spiked with the possibility of emotional trauma. But you know, I had to open my mind. If you keep suppressing a yearning that, for whatever reason, seems to be deeper than you’d think, it will take revenge and eat you up. I knew that my desire was not only sexual. It had a root inside my soul, and I had to figure it out. I wasn’t seeking opportunities to meet men in Utherverse. I was just doing my thing and kept my eyes open. I knew that Utherverse had D/s (Dominant/submissive) groups. Some were ridiculous, and I could see that even without being educated about the topic. That’s why I didn’t knock on those doors. I hoped that I would run into people who can tell me more. I wasn’t interested in whips, paddles, and ropes. I was interested in the ideas behind it. I quickly understood that it was not BDSM sex that turned me on. It was the psychology behind it.

Then COVID brought us back

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You probably heard opinions sharing the positive aspects of COVID. Yeah, it sounds a bit odd. This disease is scary, contagious, and can be deadly. It has changed our mindset. It caused arguments and created a nest for conspiracy theories. However, many of us experienced surprising effects as well, such as increased faith, stronger family connections, and of course, new opportunities provided by the internet.

In March 2020, I lost my job as a part-time teacher’s aide. To be honest, I didn’t mind. I wanted to reduce my chance to contact COVID as much as I could. After a few weeks of reading, watching Netflix, and taking walks on the empty streets, I craved something new. Well, what I found was not new. It was Utherverse. I still logged in once in a while, mostly out of curiosity. I just stood at the transport center and observed the people who didn’t have any conversation at all. They looked like statues with their avatars faded, which means they were away from the computer or had another screen open. It was depressing. Every single time, I sighed then hit the little red X on the top of the window.

I suspected and hoped that COVID brought some of my old friends back as well as new members. Ta-da, I was right. There was life all over the place. People were chatting, having parties, and opening businesses. I’m not saying that the population doubled. The groups were still out there, but they have changed. They let you in with open arms. After attending a few events, I figured out that the smaller groups were connected. Everybody knew each other! It was amazing. There was no crowd with over a thousand members. It was a strong community of about two hundred. I loved it. My old friends were gone, though. My friend list was small, and the profiles on them were unknown to me. The case of random friend requests, you know. It was time to make new friends. Since I had a lot of time, I spent long hours at various clubs and joined events from public weddings to fundraisers. Soon, when I entered, I got the “Hugs” instead of just a “Hi.” I admit it felt great. I talked to a lot of members who told me that COVID brought them back too. They had very similar situations to mine.

I was constantly exploring old and familiar places to go down memory lane, new and improved ones, and possibilities. I never had the patience to designs outfits, but I enjoyed taking photos and creating graphics. I looked through the market, and I noticed that the style I would bring is not out there. I smiled and nodded as I opened my graphic design program. I’m gonna spread my wings…because why not?

Behind the Avatar

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When I first logged in after downloading the client, I felt weird. There I was in the form of a 3D cartoon person, running around by hitting the arrow keys on my keyboard. I could change my hair, my clothes, my race, everything that contributed to my virtual appearance. It was the Spring of 2008, so the concept of virtual worlds was not new at all. Well, to me, it was…and I loved it. It gave me a certain sense of being able to stay private. I wasn’t hiding my personality, but I know that I didn’t have to share it either if I didn’t want to.

I went to a place called the Welcome Center. It was crowded and full of volunteers whose task was to teach newbies. I saw avatars dancing around, hugging, kissing, and juggling with colorful balls. People were chatting and laughing by typing LOL. I had to look that up. Although I got some surprising offers (“wanna fuck?”), the atmosphere was delightful. I joined the conversation in local chat, and soon I figured out the rules and options. Yeah, the main feature, which was virtual sex, costs money. Getting to specific places or rooms and private messaging were also only available for VIP members. What can I say? I’m glad I’m not a cat because my curiosity would have killed me. I upgraded the next day. When a male approached me in a private message and tried to seduce me, I gave in. I giggled the whole time while our clumsy avatars were enjoying themselves.

During this time, I had been living with my husband in a long-distance relationship. I told him about Utherverse. I must have been convincing because he joined immediately. I’m telling you, it had changed our relationship. No, I’m not talking about virtual sex…okay, not only. Even just sitting next to each other in a virtual park where pink and yellow butterflies were fluttering around made us flutter too. More importantly, we joined a community that we didn’t have in reality. I lived on the other side of the big pond.  We didn’t have mutual friends. Virtuality had become a reality. We formed friendships with people who had similar things in common. Soon we also developed a sense of seeing red flags. The fake profiles. Spammers and players who got a thrill out of lying and hurting others who called them friends. They didn’t care about the fact that there was a real person attached to each avatar. Hearts broke, and profiles got banned all the time.

A few months later, we both joined the group of volunteers who helped new members. In November, we got married on a pretty little beach in the presence of our friends. I freaking loved Utherverse!

Months had passed, and the world changed. The community fell apart once Utherverse introduced the Zabys (apartments) and other properties we could buy and decorate. Private clubs were born, and the people left our beloved public places for them. Cliques and families formed rapidly. It got even “worse” when we got permission to be creators…creators of outfits, tattoos, hairs, and whatnot. Everything expanded, we were like kids in a candy store. That’s when members had started earning money, and again, that affected the societies inside of Utherverse.

After I moved to the other side of the Earth to finally live with my husband, he quit. He lost interest because to him, Utherverse was only a tool that allowed him to be with me. I stayed. My creative mind was terribly hungry. I tried many options from designing clothes to decorating my apartment. I was also volunteering that filled another kind of hunger: teaching and helping others. But…my enthusiasm faded eventually. Without a community, I wasn’t able to feel the vibe I fell in love with. So after 4 years, the frequency of my visits drastically decreased. I let my VIP membership run out, and I only logged in a couple of times a year. In 2020, something brought me back. Something called COVID-19.

The world of Utherverse

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In a nutshell, Utherverse is a virtual world that lets its members engage in several activities while building relationships. It even allows you to earn money through selling your rays, the virtual currency. Nothing special, right? These days, you can pick from different virtual worlds from Second Life to IMVU. However, there has always been a conspicuous difference…the marketing. Yes, I’m aware that other similar websites focus on that aspect, but Utherverse A.K.A Red Light Center (RLC) has been marketed as a sex site since it was launched on the last day of 2005. Red Light Center was originally based on the real „red light” area of Amsterdam.
Its purpose was to attract people who wanted to explore and expand their sexual fantasies for a certain amount of monthly fee. There is nothing wrong with that, except that it had grown and turned into something more over the years. What else, besides getting virtually laid?
First of all, you can have a flourishing business. You can become a popular DJ using your own streaming tools, a successful clothing designer, graphics designer, photographer, and builder/decorator. As I mentioned, the virtual currency can be sold and converted into dollars. I know for a fact that some members actually earn a living (yes, they have to pay taxes)! More importantly, there are communities, such as families, groups based on sexual orientation (LGBT, BDSM) and roleplay (vampires, werewolves, fairies, and more), and of course, people who are buddies and love partying together. It’s not surprising or unusual to form romantic relationships either. You can get married in Utherverse. You can also get a divorce but let’s not talk about negative things here. Many of these marriages result in real relationships and marriages.
So why is Utherverse still marketed as a sex site? Good question. It was raised a lot of times by its members. There is no answer. The porn site advertisements are still blinking at you on your social center profile page. The purpose of this blog is to share real stories from a virtual world that is more real than many of us would think. It’s my story.