So, I had a new virtual life. Soon, it had become just as real as my everyday life at home. It gave me what I couldn’t have: opportunities to socialize and express my creativity. I tried to follow the crowd, but there were downtimes when I got really bored, especially at night. Although the transport centers -where you land when you log in- were still like eerie ghost towns, I often hung out there…waiting for new, soon-to-be friends or at least a person with whom I can talk.
On this particular night, a private message started flashing on the bottom of the screen. The avatar behind the sender was standing right next to me. His message was a simple greeting that I answered. Ten minutes later, we were having a conversation. A very interesting one.
At this point, I need to completely change the subject for a bit to explain what happened next. Over the years, my marriage transformed from a romantic relationship into a friendship. We loved (and still love) each other but the romantic feelings and physical desires had been gone for years. I tried to accept it, truly. I had a very active sexual life in my 20’s. Maybe it’s ok to settle down. Oh my god, that sounds terrible. I am 41, not 81. Who am I kidding? And what could I do about it? I had a lot of desires that I suppressed for a long time up until I felt that I was going to explode and kill someone. Instead, I had a random affair. I’m not proud of it. I don’t regret it either. Then I tried to make changes in my marriage. Of course, it didn’t work. I escaped and immersed myself in all sorts of fantasies in the company of my sex toys. That was my solution. Pathetic…or maybe not, depends on how you look at it. There is one awesome thing about fantasizing: you can learn a lot about yourself if you pay attention. One particular fantasy of mine had begun to knock on the door of my mind to let me know it’s something I should expand. It was submission.
I’m the type who wears pants in a relationship but not in bed. In intimate situations, I want to be led and overpowered. I want to be the prey. I agree with people who say that no matter how the world changes, we will always have those primal desires, and women have the submissive nature even if they bury it. It doesn’t mean we want to be oppressed as human beings! Unfortunately, many of us simply don’t get that submission is not equal to being a vegetable under a man’s knife. Anyways, I couldn’t explore my desires with my husband. He didn’t like the idea. We had numerous conversations. Eventually, I gave up, but I didn’t blame him at all. Nonetheless, my fantasies were still there, and although it may be hard to believe, they had become pushier by the hour. More importantly, I soon realized that it was not about only sex. There was something else. Something about submission and power exchange attracted me. I really didn’t understand it, but that didn’t matter. I had a new solution. From that point, I looked at Utherverse from a different angle. No, I’m neither stupid nor naïve. Virtual sex, flings, adventures…silly, spiked with the possibility of emotional trauma. But you know, I had to open my mind. If you keep suppressing a yearning that, for whatever reason, seems to be deeper than you’d think, it will take revenge and eat you up. I knew that my desire was not only sexual. It had a root inside my soul, and I had to figure it out. I wasn’t seeking opportunities to meet men in Utherverse. I was just doing my thing and kept my eyes open. I knew that Utherverse had D/s (Dominant/submissive) groups. Some were ridiculous, and I could see that even without being educated about the topic. That’s why I didn’t knock on those doors. I hoped that I would run into people who can tell me more. I wasn’t interested in whips, paddles, and ropes. I was interested in the ideas behind it. I quickly understood that it was not BDSM sex that turned me on. It was the psychology behind it.
My Virtual Crossroads 