Where I grew up, high-school fame doesn’t really exist. Yes, there are cliques based on interest and some popularity, but it can’t be compared to what you see in other countries, especially in the U.S. No jocks…no princesses. I only see those in movies…and in Utherverse. Observing the community has always been fascinating to me. Experiencing how it feels to sit at the cool kids’ table is a completely different story, though.
S. has been popular and loved, well, since he joined Utherverse. He is all over the place sharing jokes and, more importantly, trying to help others. I saw it with my own eyes as he broke through people’s walls of shyness and brought them out of the shadow of loneliness as they finally found their voice. If there was a cool kids’ table…literally…he would definitely sit on one of the chairs. Being with him pulled me there too. All of a sudden, people noticed me. People I didn’t know otherwise. Did it make me feel good? Sure, it did. I felt more alive than ever. I trusted his judgement regarding groups. At first, I thought that my popularity was an extension of his. They liked me because I was with him. Later I realized that I was showing more of my personality around him. That made a difference. Our cool kids are not cool because they are loud or arrogant like high school kids in reality or as a matter of fact, some groups in Utherverse that bully others. Oh, there are several of them, and as I mentioned before, bullying is possible even in a virtual world. In our chosen community, the people are adults who are kind, funny, and have generous hearts. Most of them. The ones who are not drop out sooner or later when they realize that they won’t get support.
I am a very observant person, and I analyze everything. Sometimes it’s useful; sometimes it’s like a curse because it stresses me out. S. always says, “everything will be ok”. I used to get furious whenever I heard that, until I noticed that it actually calms me down. In this case, observing, and analyzing gave me valuable insight. I was watching unfolding dramas, the effects of support and protection, and how real relationships form. That is when I finally understood something I couldn’t wrap my mind around for years. An important structure in this society: the families.
A Justice of Peace (JOP) has magical powers…they can write with yellow in the chat box. All volunteers can, as a matter of fact. This is very useful at a wedding where you want to yell at the guests to shut up because important things, such as the vows, will get lost in the flood of chat. That didn’t work this time. There were 135 people at our wedding. Each and every one of them was sitting behind their computer in Europe, in Canada, in the U.S., and in Australia…mostly because we had guests from Brazil and India as well. Right there, you can capture the beauty of a virtual world. No matter where you are, you can be there. You can be at a place with others you are fond of. Is it virtual? Are you an avatar? Doesn’t matter. What mattered (just a little bit) was that 135 people were constantly chatting…and they didn’t want to stop. I imagined that I’d get angry and frustrated, but to my biggest surprise, I actually enjoyed it. It made everything alive.
We had a fairly short ceremony…no roses or candles or ribbons around our wrists. Our vows on air would have overpowered everything anyway. According to what they wrote in chat, many people were crying or in awe. I don’t think it was because of us. It was the unique nature of the vows. They weren’t copy-pasted from an online website and weren’t filled with cliches. They were our honest and loving words…and our story. That 135 guests were all friends…close friends, not so close friends, new and old ones. S. invited people who hadn’t logged in for years, but they got the notification of the email, and they came in. It was beautiful and heartwarming.
After everyone congratulated…the boring part came next: The hug-line. Yes, among other things, you can hug each other in Utherverse. It took about half an hour. Then, oh joy, the photos. Because we needed photos of the wedding party. I told the photographer not to do it, but she insisted, and since S. didn’t mind, I was just pouting in front of my screen. That, again, took a long time…boys only, girls only, now everyone altogether, now just S. and I. Meantime, our guests were having fun at the reception site. I’m telling you, it was like at a real-life wedding.
At the end of the day, when it was just S. and I sitting and talking, I realized how many things I missed. I had to focus on my vows and what the JOP was saying. As a result, I missed out on most of the chat. What was worse is that I didn’t even remember who attended! Not everyone. Weeks later, when I looked through the photos, I kept asking S. “Who is that?” “Was XY there?” It sounds funny, but it bothered me.
The wedding video came out 3 weeks later. Based on the increasing number of views, people still click on it even after 9 months. I got a few messages from friends that said ours was the most beautiful wedding they have ever seen in Utherverse. Yes, that makes me feel good. We worked hard on everything from matching colors to unique music. I felt strange after the wedding. You know when you suddenly have to calm down after a big event, and everything seems to be slow. But it was just the virtual surface. Our relationship has gotten stronger by the day…
So I mentioned that yes, you can get married in Utherverse. I personally wanted a medium one. Just S. and I walking down the aisle as our best friends witness us at a beautiful little pixel place. To my biggest surprise, S. objected. No nooo…we need a huge wedding, and we need all of our friends…and a reception…and a DJ. Oh, and bridesmaids and groomsmen. I rolled my eyes, but of course, I didn’t say no. Where I’m from, there are bridesmaids and/or flower girls at weddings. No groomsmen, no best man and maid of honor, and you walk down the aisle usually together with the groom. In Utherverse, it’s common that you even ask a friend/dad/mom/uncle/niece to give you away. I haven’t really written about families yet. I will. That deserves an entire post.
Anyhow, I wasn’t really excited about all this because I knew we would have a lot on our plates just like with a real-life wedding. The beauty of virtual worlds is that you can truly mimic real life. To some, this is pathetic; to others, it’s a tool or opportunity. We sat down with S. and made a list. First of all, we need a place. There are decorators in Utherverse who build wedding venues and either rent or sell them. We looked through the directory and visited the venues we found. Most of them looked like they were decorated by 5-year-olds. Neither of us desired to get married under cherry blossom trees surrounded by rose bushes that look like blurry drawings. Even in a virtual world, a realistic environment is way better. Then we found a forest. Wisteria trees, wooden benches, nice reception area with glowing candles. We fell in love with it. Little did we know, it was basically a replica of the venue in Twilight…ugh. We bought it anyway.
The next step was choosing the outfits for both of us and the bridesmaids/groomsmen. That was a lot of fun. For some reason, I LOVE dressing up. I hate it in real life. Trying on everything and strolling around the store is tiring and often boring. It’s different in a virtual world. You have a perfect body and trying on a full outfit takes one click. I picked blue and white colors…S. picked pink and white. Pink is his signature color. Real men wear pink. Okay, actually, it started with a joke years ago, but that’s a long story.
Then we talked with a Justice of Peace who is a long-time friend of ours. We discussed the ceremony…nothing fancy. Many couples choose a ceremony, such as handfasting, rose ceremony, or unity candle ceremony. To be honest, although I have a strong imagination, I find these ceremonies kind of silly for one reason. You don’t have animations/actions to hold a candle or wrap a ribbon around your wrists. Therefore, they simply describe it…it’s weird. We knew we wanted to write our own vows and have the DJ play it on air. That’s always moving, and at least the guests don’t have to read the entire text in chat if they are lazy.
At last, the invitation. As a graphic designer, making the invitation and the wedding certificate was my task. I wouldn’t have given it to someone else. Creating it was very, very joyful. The problem came after that. Who do we invite? Our friends, obviously. S. has 10.000 of them. Half of those are not active members, and many others are not close friends, but S. wanted to invite everyone. What if we miss someone even if we don’t think they would come? Their feelings will get hurt. Sending out the invitations is time-consuming, but I had a different issue. When there is a lot of people online in the same area, some computers can’t take it. I attended weddings and parties where half of the guests crashed every 2 minutes. Why does this happen? There is a technical explanation, but I’m not going to go there here.
We fought. We fought about the little changes we wanted to make at the venue. We fought about the invitations. At one point, we even had an argument about the groomsmen’s tuxes. The wedding was the only thing we ever fought about, nothing else…not before and not since. Funny. I’m wondering if all those couples that break up right before the wedding run into these issues as well, and the major differences between opinions contribute to the break-ups. I hope not…
Slowly and eventually, everything calmed down. We had all tasks done. On the day before the wedding, we had a full rehearsal. Believe it or not, that is extremely important in a virtual world where the DJ, JoP, the couple, and the wedding party all have to be in sync…without seeing each other. That night, my maid of honor asked me if I was nervous. I wasn’t. My stomach only shrank to the size of a peanut the next day when my pretty little avatar went into the tent where I hid…because my soon-to-be husband must not see my pixel wedding dress…of course.
There were rumors…Some “friends” backed off as a result. Other friends showed more support than ever. Isn’t that interesting? I mean, really, we are in a virtual world. You can’t touch me, you can’t harm me…but remember, words are powerful; thus, having support or having your reputation destroyed does have an effect. I can’t count how many people left and never came back because they were bullied. We didn’t really care. Of course, we appreciated our friends, but it wouldn’t have mattered if we had none. Our love was flourishing, and nothing could stop that. We still spent every waking minute together. It had become clear, though, that it was not enough. We had to meet in real life.
In mid-October, S. jumped on a plane and flew down to meet me. He stayed with me for a weekend that proved that our bond reached beyond every little pixel dream. It was real…so real. That’s when I wrote a “thank you” email to the CEO of Utherverse. He never replied, but ah well. He’s a busy guy. I thought it would be terrible to get back to our daily lives without being together in person, but it was not. The memories fueled us, but more importantly, we knew that it’s only a matter of time before we can meet again. We decided that we will stay in each other’s lives as much as we can. We didn’t talk about me divorcing my husband. We simply believed that everything would happen the way it has to, and we will be led by our pure and deep love.
Covid wasn’t very supportive. The Canadian-US border shut down completely. Every month, we hoped for positive change, but we accepted that we might have to wait for a long time. We didn’t get bitter or sad. We celebrated Christmas in a brand new and adorable Christmas house where we made falling snow and put a ridiculously ugly Santa on the roof. I was able to balance my real and virtual life. Nothing had changed in my marriage since I had gone back to Utherverse, but we had a nice Christmas. By this time, a desire was itching in my heart. I wanted S. to marry me. Yes, marry me. Yes, in the virtual world. Yes, I wanted to wear a virtual wedding gown at a virtual wedding venue and say “I do” in front of a Justice of Peace who would then provide us with a marriage certificate with the Utherverse stamp on the bottom.
Weddings in Utherverse are very common. Even if you can’t or don’t want to marry in reality, you can express your love and commitment in Utherverse by marrying your lover. Obviously, your marriage certificate is only valid in Utherverse. Why would you want one? I’m not sure…it creates a beautiful illusion, perhaps. Some people take their virtual marriage very seriously. I know couples who got married in Utherverse years ago, and now they are married in real life. I know couples who came to Utherverse as a married couple, and they loved the idea so much…they got married in Utherverse as well. I also know a lot of couples who broke up right before or right after their wedding. I think in many cases, the biggest reason to get married is all about feeling loved and celebrated. My motivation was a mix of both. I knew I couldn’t just marry S. in reality, so I thought officiating our bond in Utherverse was a nice idea. And yes, I also wanted to be celebrated. I was and still am very proud of Us.
On New Year’s Eve, we were at a jazz club just passing the time. All of a sudden, the DJ told me to get up on stage. I knew what was going on…or let’s say, I hoped. There is a thing called the Broadcast. Authorized people can send a broadcast message that appears in purple on the top of the screen. It raises attention…the purple text doesn’t get lost in local chat either. As I was standing on the stage, a purple text appeared…sentence by sentence S. proposed to me. It was a long and beautiful proposal, and everyone was ecstatic…especially me. I was so very happy. I laughed and cried at the same time. It was just a text on the screen of my laptop. I couldn’t see S. going down on one knee or anything like that, but it was just as real. I said yes, and that night I stayed up giggling while staring at my pixel diamond ring.
The relationship with my master had fallen apart during the next couple of days. Why do people change after sealing a commitment? Isn’t that interesting? It happens all the time in Utherverse. As a photographer and graphic designer, who attends weddings, I keep seeing it. Everybody is happy as can be during the wedding…by the time I make their wedding certificate, they have broken up. I guess people get cold feet (or rather frozen) in a virtual world too, but why AFTER weddings and other ceremonies? Long story short, my master tried to humiliate me by taking other women and making my pretty little avatar watch their pretty little avatars. Now before we start smiling, let me tell you something. To people who have a mind and soul, behaviors like this can cause real harm. It is not hard to abuse, humiliate, hurt someone emotionally and mentally through a virtual world, and it can be quite serious. You know, your conscious mind may know that hey, this person is far away and what I experience is not real (of course it is, but let’s deny it), but your subconscious mind and your heart don’t. In my case, however, his behavior was a blessing…I could break up with him. I admit, giving me a reason made it easier than facing him and telling him that I can’t be his anymore. He was confused and kind of childish with his reactions, but he was smart enough to know that stirring up the water even more would not lead anywhere.
My feelings were strange. All of a sudden, I felt insecure and very hurt. My good old friend explained to me that this is very common when a D/s relationship ends regardless of who initiates the break-up and why. S. listened and comforted me, although our relationship didn’t change. It was still rather the friend with benefits situation. Well, that’s how we acted with each other. There was no pressure, and I think that actually deepened our feelings. I mean the no pressure part. We were just going with the flow but kept ourselves hidden. We didn’t need rumors and the drama that is growing in Utherverse like weeds. Ex-girlfriend, ex-master, fake friends, and drama queens…no, thank you. Of course, people have good eyes and suspicions. Not sure who told her and what, but half of the ex-girlfriend’s friends removed the two of us from their friends’ list. She personally hit the magic ignore button, which means that she can’t see us, and we can’t see her. None of them were actually friends. Half the time, being friends in Utherverse means that you dance at the same club, you say “Hugs everyone,” then accept the pop-up friend requests mostly because they are annoying in the middle of your screen. S. got questions, too; however, nobody liked or believed the honest answer about his reasons to break up. It didn’t matter. We kept spending hours in our own little world every night. We chatted on Skype too, and slowly we discovered a lot of similarities in each other’s souls. Some were so similar or so matching; it was crazy. Crazy good.
One night, we were sitting on the ground in a forest, sharing Youtube links of our favorite classical music pieces, when S. told me that he made a decision. Whether his wife returns or not, he needs to move on. With me, if I accept him. He was so romantic. I melted into a puddle on the top of my bed. Every thin wall and obstacle fell down. It was all clear: we belonged to each other, and it was undeniable. He wrote a message to his wife, who, after 5 months of silence, immediately logged in. She understood and accepted. She even told him that we shouldn’t give a crap about others. Of course, she was sad, but their relationship was going nowhere, and that had nothing to do with me. The next day we “went public.” IN Utherverse, it means that you kiss and slow dance. My god, it sounds so stupid, but in a virtual world, you express yourself with whatever tools you have. Then I began to get messages from my own friends, mostly something like, “I knew it! You guys are glowing even if you’re standing at the opposite sides of the place.” And all was well.
What happened during the next two weeks was truly amazing. Yes, there was sex…a lot and something else that I have never had before, and I’m not talking about Utherverse. My inner child fell in love with his. Every night, we explored old, empty places, running around like kids and getting lost in our world. We pretended to pick flowers, swam with mermaids, played hide and seek. I’m aware that this sounds silly, maybe even weird, but it was beautiful.
My happiness was shadowed a bit. Again, we were not single. To many, this means nothing in a virtual world. To us, it mattered. He did break up with his “girlfriend” but not because of me. I could not do the same with my soon-to-be master. I avoid conflict if I can. I’m afraid of it. Hurting someone hurts me deeply. I’m also terribly afraid of what other people think of me. Besides, I denied that I fell in love. On the night before my collaring ceremony, we made love in mind, soul…and avatar as if it was the last time. I knew it wasn’t. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it. During my ceremony, I was staring at him while feeling ashamed for not giving my everything to my master. I knew I’d found something in S. that I’ve never had before. I just couldn’t define what.
I was sitting with my best friend on my virtual porch. I was venting. “That’s it. I’m done. No more D/s. I will stay in Utherverse for my business and remain a volunteer. Maybe I’ll even go to a party or two. That’s it.” “No, you won’t give it up because I won’t let you. You need this, and you want it.” “You won’t let me, huh? One thing is for sure. I’m not gonna look for another master ever again.” This conversation happened about a month after I said goodbye to Sir. I kept looking…I kept attracting dominants. I’m sorry to say, they were all idiots. One went paranoid and psycho on me from jealousy that he truly just imagined. Another one tried to tell me his rules and added “Got it?” to every single sentence. It was so annoying, I wanted to smack him through the screen. When I told him that just because he is dominant and I’m submissive, that doesn’t mean we match, he said I just have to submit to him…and that’s it. I blinked, laughed, and left. So yes, I wanted to give up. I felt tired and bored. I indeed stopped looking, but the gods of Utherverse didn’t let me slip away.
One day, I ran into a person who I know from our volunteer events. I had no idea he was a Dominant until our avatars found each other at a BDSM club. Why did I go there? That’s an excellent question. The answer is, again, curiosity and my deep need to achieve satisfaction. Giving up was a temporary idea of my hurt feelings. He offered me something that I never heard before: Basic training. Not to train me to himself, but to teach me general rules. That was, of course, bullshit, but I found it amusing. After a few weeks, I had been His. It just happened…I wanted to drift. The first sign that I should have paid attention to was his wish to collar me. It was way too soon, and my best friend just shook his head in front of his laptop when I told him. At this point, I admit that I’m a sucker for rituals and ceremonies. Yes, they make me feel special and more important. So, I said yes, and set up a collaring ceremony.
On the very same day, my virtual and real life has changed forever. I was in one of the transport centers, having fun with total strangers. By fun, I mean telling stupid jokes and bothering each other. A friend appeared. I have known him for 9 years; however, we hadn’t met in 8. He was a fellow volunteer…a buddy. We had a completely matching humor. We were always bantering. He sat behind me and described in private chat how he would give me a massage. Bantering…kidding…being friendly. I thought. My thoughts shifted when he told me he kissed my shoulders. What the hell is happening? We never teased each other like that. There was no sexual tone between us. I got totally confused, especially when my entire being began to respond to him. But…but…he is almost like a colleague, and I’m not single… He was not either, but his situation was very complicated. First of all, he was married in Utherverse for 10 years. I knew his wife. They drifted apart, and she left Utherverse with the promise that she may come back. Her real life posed a lot of obstacles. He (let’s just call him S. because his name is long and I’m lazy) told me he was like a puppy, waiting for his master. They had an agreement: Anything goes while she is away. He was free to have other women. He had a close friend (sometimes with benefits) who, for some reason, wanted to own him…and more. We could say she was in between the status of a bestie and a girlfriend. For all these reasons, I decided not to return the teasing. I managed to do it for a whole 2 days…
My Virtual Crossroads 