BDSM

Looking for something; Finding something else. (Part 1.)

ZaZaLeave a comment

I was sitting with my best friend on my virtual porch. I was venting.
“That’s it. I’m done. No more D/s. I will stay in Utherverse for my business and remain a volunteer. Maybe I’ll even go to a party or two. That’s it.”
“No, you won’t give it up because I won’t let you. You need this, and you want it.”
“You won’t let me, huh? One thing is for sure. I’m not gonna look for another master ever again.”
This conversation happened about a month after I said goodbye to Sir. I kept looking…I kept attracting dominants. I’m sorry to say, they were all idiots. One went paranoid and psycho on me from jealousy that he truly just imagined. Another one tried to tell me his rules and added “Got it?” to every single sentence. It was so annoying, I wanted to smack him through the screen. When I told him that just because he is dominant and I’m submissive, that doesn’t mean we match, he said I just have to submit to him…and that’s it. I blinked, laughed, and left. So yes, I wanted to give up. I felt tired and bored. I indeed stopped looking, but the gods of Utherverse didn’t let me slip away.


One day, I ran into a person who I know from our volunteer events. I had no idea he was a Dominant until our avatars found each other at a BDSM club. Why did I go there? That’s an excellent question. The answer is, again, curiosity and my deep need to achieve satisfaction. Giving up was a temporary idea of my hurt feelings. He offered me something that I never heard before: Basic training. Not to train me to himself, but to teach me general rules. That was, of course, bullshit, but I found it amusing. After a few weeks, I had been His. It just happened…I wanted to drift. The first sign that I should have paid attention to was his wish to collar me. It was way too soon, and my best friend just shook his head in front of his laptop when I told him. At this point, I admit that I’m a sucker for rituals and ceremonies. Yes, they make me feel special and more important. So, I said yes, and set up a collaring ceremony.

On the very same day, my virtual and real life has changed forever. I was in one of the transport centers, having fun with total strangers. By fun, I mean telling stupid jokes and bothering each other. A friend appeared. I have known him for 9 years; however, we hadn’t met in 8. He was a fellow volunteer…a buddy. We had a completely matching humor. We were always bantering. He sat behind me and described in private chat how he would give me a massage. Bantering…kidding…being friendly. I thought. My thoughts shifted when he told me he kissed my shoulders. What the hell is happening? We never teased each other like that. There was no sexual tone between us. I got totally confused, especially when my entire being began to respond to him. But…but…he is almost like a colleague, and I’m not single… He was not either, but his situation was very complicated. First of all, he was married in Utherverse for 10 years. I knew his wife. They drifted apart, and she left Utherverse with the promise that she may come back. Her real life posed a lot of obstacles. He (let’s just call him S. because his name is long and I’m lazy) told me he was like a puppy, waiting for his master. They had an agreement: Anything goes while she is away. He was free to have other women. He had a close friend (sometimes with benefits) who, for some reason, wanted to own him…and more. We could say she was in between the status of a bestie and a girlfriend. For all these reasons, I decided not to return the teasing. I managed to do it for a whole 2 days…

Letting go

ZaZaLeave a comment

When I was a lot younger, and a man hurt me, I moved on extremely quickly and burned all bridges.
This attitude showed up this time, too; however, that’s not why I ended up at another man’s virtual apartment. I was confused and lonely. I did not want an affair or a virtual one-night stand. I just needed company. We were talking and dancing when Sir appeared right behind me. My heart almost jumped out of my chest from relief, happiness, and, oh yes, fear. I wasn’t afraid of punishment or discipline. I was afraid of my own guilt and the possibility of being thrown away. I let go of my dance partner and followed Sir to my place. I knelt, and I started apologizing, not even sure for what. He interrupted and told me to stand up. Then he hugged me. I just said, “Please don’t throw me away.”
“No, no little one, why would I throw you away? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I wasn’t disloyal…we were just talking.”
“If I had found you there fucking him, that still wouldn’t have been disloyalty in My eyes. I probably would have watched it with pride…because you’re Mine. If you serve another man well, that makes Me proud. You showed Me loyalty when you immediately turned to Me, greeted Me, and came here.”
What he said made me think afterward. It was strange that him saying that he would be proud of me if I served another man well did not hurt my feelings. Of course not. If it made him proud, it made me proud. That’s how I felt, no matter how surprising it was. I calmed down, and my focus switched to the other issue. Why the hell did he disappear? Sir always told me that I should speak to him freely, so I spoke. I forgot about my position. I demanded answers. He didn’t like it and reminded me that I should not demand anything ever, but he remained patient. He gave me an explanation of his absence, but he never reacted when I told him that I don’t really understand the complete lack of communication. He ignored that part. As my friend said later, that’s when I should have run for the hills. I couldn’t. I was way too attached to him. And he knew it. I am 100% sure that, on the other hand, he realized that I might not be as blind as he thought because that night, he said he loved me. I was on cloud #9 then. Now I see it differently.
I had high hopes again. We met almost every night, and I got a lot of chances to serve him emotionally and mentally…and physically, through the videos he asked for. At that point, there was almost nothing I wouldn’t have done for him. And yet, I have never felt freer in my life. Sadly, it didn’t last. Although our communication got better, he started having less and less time. I admit I was suffering. I had become a puppy, whining for his master. Once, he said maybe letting me go would be the best because one thing he didn’t want is me being sad and lonely. He even gave me permission to serve another dominant. Then he disappeared again, and that was the last straw that broke the horse’s back. I realized that it would not get any better. I had needs too. A good dominant would care about them. Yes, partially, it was my pride, but mostly it was common sense. Why the hell should I get stuck in a freaking virtual D/s relationship when it doesn’t even make me happy?? I wrote him a long, nice, and smart message. No hard feelings.
He lured me back in less than a week, but it was not the same. Eventually, instead of burning the bridge, we just grew apart. I ran into him a few months ago at a public place in Utherverse. He messaged me.
“I made a huge mistake with you. I should have done better. You know I still watch your videos. I see how you evolved, how you left your fears behind. I realized that you are neither a slave nor a “bottom.” You should be a queen…you had become one. And sometimes, I even imagine that you are holding My leash, not the other way around. Nobody has ever served Me the way you have.”
I will never know if any of his words were serious or just another luring attempt because I didn’t bite. But one thing he said in the very beginning is turned out to be true. The bond between a dominant and a submissive never completely disappears. There was a bond, yes. Mental and emotional both. I will always miss him in a way. He did teach me about myself. I will always be grateful for that.

They knelt…for me.

ZaZaLeave a comment

Our bond was growing, and Sir kept giving me tasks. He had something in mind with what I was uncomfortable with first, simply because I didn’t feel that it would fit my personality. He asked me to go to a specific place called the Torture Garden. It’s not a garden. No torture either. Why is it called that? I have no clue. It’s a big room with a large stage and chairs placed around it. Although the rules are not written in stone, usually submissives, including slaves, are dancing on the stage while dominants are watching them and often immerse themselves in private chat. He didn’t want me to go there to dance as a submissive. He wanted me to sit among the dominants and gain experience.

“But why, Sir? I don’t have a dominant bone in me.”

“First, because I tell you to. Second, because I disagree, you do have a dominant side, and it’s valuable to explore it.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Just observe them…and yourself.”

So I went…It was very awkward. People assumed I was a mistress or at least a switch (a person who can be both submissive and dominant, depending on the partner, situation, etc.).  When I said hello to everyone and sat down, the submissives on the stage said hello too, but they added “Miss” to my name. I so wanted to tell them politely that I am not a miss, but what should I have said? That I was asked to come and sit and explore myself? I didn’t say anything. Private message tabs started flashing on my screen almost immediately. Some were dominant men who complimented on my avatar’s appearance and asked who owned me. They read my profile. They knew I was not a miss. None of them mentioned that maybe I should rather be on the stage then. Others were slaves. They obviously did not read my profile. Oh my, they were hungry. They didn’t only ask if they may dance for me but also if I was looking for a slave because they would be happy to become mine. I didn’t understand that. Why would you want to be owned by me when you don’t even know me? Deep inside, I knew the answer that was confirmed by Sir and other dominants with whom I had conversations. These kind and humble slaves were just playing. Most of them wanted the avatar game. The avatar whipping, avatar humiliation, and degrading words. For different reasons, of course. One of them was the same as my reason to enter this world. They were exploring their own feelings. A few days later, I had a great conversation with a dominant man, who later had become one of my best friends. He explained that many of the slaves had been deceived. They thought being a slave meant, well, what I wrote above about avatar game. There was no mental connection between them and their owners; that’s why they were jumping from one to another. What they thought was BDSM was extremely far away from BDSM. It was the same with a lot of masters and sirs too, by the way.

Based on Sir’s instructions, all I said to the girls who messaged me was that currently, I was not looking for anybody. I did let them to dance for me, though. Not because I enjoyed it but because I didn’t want to reject them. And then, to my biggest surprise, something had changed. I’m talking about myself. It was clear that I attracted other submissives. Sir was right. I didn’t (and still don’t) know why and how. One person literally dropped to his knees in front of me, saying he just felt he wanted to. Even if he was joking, it shocked me. I had many chats in the Garden, and all of them were indeed valuable. Suddenly, I felt a certain power I never felt before. It wasn’t the arrogant or controlling power. I didn’t feel superior. I simply gained a truckload of confidence. I knew that’s what Sir wanted to show me, and I desperately wanted to share my experiences with him. I couldn’t. He disappeared.

I waited for him every single night up until 3 am my time. He always came in late at night but never after 3. I was worried, hurt, disappointed, and sad. One thing I learned about D/s is that the dominant is responsible for the submissive. He/she should care, protect, instruct. I felt betrayed.  I asked my new friends a lot of why, how, when questions. One of them said he does it on purpose. It’s a typical mind game. My best friend wanted to beat him up. He was outraged by the fact that Sir didn’t even send me a message on my profile. Finally, he returned after a week.  In Utherverse, if you are someone’s friend list, you have the option to jump to their avatar. He jumped me. The problem was that I was with another man…

To be continued

Eyes Wide Shut (part 2)

ZaZaLeave a comment

Okay, back to the conversation. The person behind the handsome avatar who was wearing a leather outfit was a counselor in real life and a dominant in Utherverse. He was smart, intelligent, and charming. Most importantly, after about 10 minutes of talking, he saw the submissive in me. There it was. See, I didn’t have to go to a BDSM club and yell “hey I want to talk about this!”. I was standing there; he was standing there. That’s it. I believe in the power of personal energy. I talked with a lot of members about this, who agreed. Even if you hide who you are in reality, your energy comes through. To a degree, you do identify yourself with your virtual form. He felt the submissive energy that I was emitting simply because that’s what I was focusing on. I knew he was digging in my mind, but since that’s something I do with others, I didn’t mind…I actually enjoyed it. He had a certain charisma that attracted me, like flypaper the flies. When all of a sudden, he told me to go to my place and let him know when I’m ready for him. I obeyed! I obeyed a stranger in a virtual world with my virtual avatar. Funny, isn’t it? Or pathetic?
In a few minutes, we were standing in the virtual sand on a virtual beach, and he simply asked if I was ready. I had absolutely no clue, but I said yes. He asked me to greet him properly. I knew what he wanted. I did see BDSM customs in Utherverse before. I knew he expected me to kneel. I hit the little button, and my avatar dropped to her knees. My jaw dropped, and I blinked as I was staring at my monitor. My heart then felt a sense of calm that I couldn’t explain, only later when I thought about it. I submitted to this person. Not with my avatar but with my heart. And it felt good. There was trust in it even if it sounds silly to trust someone I don’t know, will never see, etc etc. That was not the point. The point was how submissive behavior affected me.
The journey of learning about myself had started that night. I submitted in everything. To my biggest surprise, the relationship between us was not based on cyber-sex. It happened, but rarely. At first, it was strange because that’s exactly what I had seen in the BDSM community. Avatars on a cross being virtually whipped or hanging on a rope hogtied, but some smart people even figured out how to build stockades where you could position yourself…and look trapped. Little did I know, that had almost nothing to do with real BDSM. Those people toyed with each other…that’s it.
Sir and I were mostly talking. There were rules: He sat; I knelt. He asked; I answered. Pleasing him was a real challenge. He didn’t care about my virtual or real body, although I admit, he requested pictures, such as one that showed his name written on my inner thigh with lipstick. Okay, that sounds totally ridiculous, but it actually made sense. He wanted to make me feel that I was his. He was interested in my intellect. He wanted conversation. He didn’t tell me what to do…he wanted me to find opportunities to please him with gestures, words, and actions. His desires had become mine. I didn’t do anything because he demanded it. I did everything because making him happy was the most important thing to me.
I’m still not sure how he did it, but I learned something about myself whenever we spent some time together. I learned that I have been submissive in several areas of my life. I’m a pleaser, especially when it comes to strangers. That’s why regardless of my higher education, my favorite jobs have always been related to customer service. I LOVE the “grumpy customer/client”. Why? Because if I can put a smile on their face and they leave happy, that makes me even happier. My submissive mind formed my diplomatic personality and the obsessive desire to have a structure in my life. Of course, not everyone is submissive who have these traits, but with everything else I experienced, I knew that that was my case.
On the other hand, obedience gave me confidence, and that was baffling. He never forgot to reward me with positive feedback, and while I gave him my power and trust, I gained self-respect. That came with a wonderful sense of freedom and tranquility. My soul calmed down, and my stress level decreased in general. I couldn’t believe how fast I changed. Well no. I didn’t change. I just began to look at myself from a different angle. And I liked what I saw.