relationship

The Wedding (Part 2)

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A Justice of Peace (JOP) has magical powers…they can write with yellow in the chat box. All volunteers can, as a matter of fact. This is very useful at a wedding where you want to yell at the guests to shut up because important things, such as the vows, will get lost in the flood of chat. That didn’t work this time. There were 135 people at our wedding. Each and every one of them was sitting behind their computer in Europe, in Canada, in the U.S., and in Australia…mostly because we had guests from Brazil and India as well. Right there, you can capture the beauty of a virtual world. No matter where you are, you can be there. You can be at a place with others you are fond of. Is it virtual? Are you an avatar? Doesn’t matter. What mattered (just a little bit) was that 135 people were constantly chatting…and they didn’t want to stop. I imagined that I’d get angry and frustrated, but to my biggest surprise, I actually enjoyed it. It made everything alive.

We had a fairly short ceremony…no roses or candles or ribbons around our wrists. Our vows on air would have overpowered everything anyway. According to what they wrote in chat, many people were crying or in awe. I don’t think it was because of us. It was the unique nature of the vows. They weren’t copy-pasted from an online website and weren’t filled with cliches. They were our honest and loving words…and our story. That 135 guests were all friends…close friends, not so close friends, new and old ones. S. invited people who hadn’t logged in for years, but they got the notification of the email, and they came in. It was beautiful and heartwarming.

After everyone congratulated…the boring part came next: The hug-line. Yes, among other things, you can hug each other in Utherverse. It took about half an hour. Then, oh joy, the photos. Because we needed photos of the wedding party. I told the photographer not to do it, but she insisted, and since S. didn’t mind, I was just pouting in front of my screen. That, again, took a long time…boys only, girls only, now everyone altogether, now just S. and I. Meantime, our guests were having fun at the reception site. I’m telling you, it was like at a real-life wedding.

At the end of the day, when it was just S. and I sitting and talking, I realized how many things I missed. I had to focus on my vows and what the JOP was saying. As a result, I missed out on most of the chat. What was worse is that I didn’t even remember who attended! Not everyone. Weeks later, when I looked through the photos, I kept asking S. “Who is that?” “Was XY there?” It sounds funny, but it bothered me.

The wedding video came out 3 weeks later. Based on the increasing number of views, people still click on it even after 9 months. I got a few messages from friends that said ours was the most beautiful wedding they have ever seen in Utherverse. Yes, that makes me feel good. We worked hard on everything from matching colors to unique music. I felt strange after the wedding. You know when you suddenly have to calm down after a big event, and everything seems to be slow. But it was just the virtual surface. Our relationship has gotten stronger by the day…

So real…

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There were rumors…Some “friends” backed off as a result. Other friends showed more support than ever. Isn’t that interesting? I mean, really, we are in a virtual world. You can’t touch me, you can’t harm me…but remember, words are powerful; thus, having support or having your reputation destroyed does have an effect. I can’t count how many people left and never came back because they were bullied. We didn’t really care. Of course, we appreciated our friends, but it wouldn’t have mattered if we had none. Our love was flourishing, and nothing could stop that. We still spent every waking minute together. It had become clear, though, that it was not enough. We had to meet in real life.

In mid-October, S. jumped on a plane and flew down to meet me. He stayed with me for a weekend that proved that our bond reached beyond every little pixel dream. It was real…so real. That’s when I wrote a “thank you” email to the CEO of Utherverse. He never replied, but ah well. He’s a busy guy. I thought it would be terrible to get back to our daily lives without being together in person, but it was not. The memories fueled us, but more importantly, we knew that it’s only a matter of time before we can meet again. We decided that we will stay in each other’s lives as much as we can. We didn’t talk about me divorcing my husband. We simply believed that everything would happen the way it has to, and we will be led by our pure and deep love.

Covid wasn’t very supportive. The Canadian-US border shut down completely. Every month, we hoped for positive change, but we accepted that we might have to wait for a long time. We didn’t get bitter or sad. We celebrated Christmas in a brand new and adorable Christmas house where we made falling snow and put a ridiculously ugly Santa on the roof. I was able to balance my real and virtual life. Nothing had changed in my marriage since I had gone back to Utherverse, but we had a nice Christmas. By this time, a desire was itching in my heart. I wanted S. to marry me. Yes, marry me. Yes, in the virtual world. Yes, I wanted to wear a virtual wedding gown at a virtual wedding venue and say “I do” in front of a Justice of Peace who would then provide us with a marriage certificate with the Utherverse stamp on the bottom.

Weddings in Utherverse are very common. Even if you can’t or don’t want to marry in reality, you can express your love and commitment in Utherverse by marrying your lover. Obviously, your marriage certificate is only valid in Utherverse. Why would you want one? I’m not sure…it creates a beautiful illusion, perhaps. Some people take their virtual marriage very seriously. I know couples who got married in Utherverse years ago, and now they are married in real life. I know couples who came to Utherverse as a married couple, and they loved the idea so much…they got married in Utherverse as well. I also know a lot of couples who broke up right before or right after their wedding. I think in many cases, the biggest reason to get married is all about feeling loved and celebrated. My motivation was a mix of both. I knew I couldn’t just marry S. in reality, so I thought officiating our bond in Utherverse was a nice idea. And yes, I also wanted to be celebrated. I was and still am very proud of Us.

On New Year’s Eve, we were at a jazz club just passing the time. All of a sudden, the DJ told me to get up on stage. I knew what was going on…or let’s say, I hoped. There is a thing called the Broadcast. Authorized people can send a broadcast message that appears in purple on the top of the screen. It raises attention…the purple text doesn’t get lost in local chat either. As I was standing on the stage, a purple text appeared…sentence by sentence S. proposed to me. It was a long and beautiful proposal, and everyone was ecstatic…especially me. I was so very happy. I laughed and cried at the same time. It was just a text on the screen of my laptop. I couldn’t see S. going down on one knee or anything like that, but it was just as real. I said yes, and that night I stayed up giggling while staring at my pixel diamond ring.

Looking for something; Finding something else. (Part 2.)

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What happened during the next two weeks was truly amazing. Yes, there was sex…a lot and something else that I have never had before, and I’m not talking about Utherverse. My inner child fell in love with his. Every night, we explored old, empty places, running around like kids and getting lost in our world. We pretended to pick flowers, swam with mermaids, played hide and seek. I’m aware that this sounds silly, maybe even weird, but it was beautiful.

My happiness was shadowed a bit. Again, we were not single. To many, this means nothing in a virtual world. To us, it mattered. He did break up with his “girlfriend” but not because of me. I could not do the same with my soon-to-be master. I avoid conflict if I can. I’m afraid of it. Hurting someone hurts me deeply. I’m also terribly afraid of what other people think of me. Besides, I denied that I fell in love. On the night before my collaring ceremony, we made love in mind, soul…and avatar as if it was the last time. I knew it wasn’t. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it. During my ceremony, I was staring at him while feeling ashamed for not giving my everything to my master. I knew I’d found something in S. that I’ve never had before. I just couldn’t define what.

They knelt…for me.

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Our bond was growing, and Sir kept giving me tasks. He had something in mind with what I was uncomfortable with first, simply because I didn’t feel that it would fit my personality. He asked me to go to a specific place called the Torture Garden. It’s not a garden. No torture either. Why is it called that? I have no clue. It’s a big room with a large stage and chairs placed around it. Although the rules are not written in stone, usually submissives, including slaves, are dancing on the stage while dominants are watching them and often immerse themselves in private chat. He didn’t want me to go there to dance as a submissive. He wanted me to sit among the dominants and gain experience.

“But why, Sir? I don’t have a dominant bone in me.”

“First, because I tell you to. Second, because I disagree, you do have a dominant side, and it’s valuable to explore it.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Just observe them…and yourself.”

So I went…It was very awkward. People assumed I was a mistress or at least a switch (a person who can be both submissive and dominant, depending on the partner, situation, etc.).  When I said hello to everyone and sat down, the submissives on the stage said hello too, but they added “Miss” to my name. I so wanted to tell them politely that I am not a miss, but what should I have said? That I was asked to come and sit and explore myself? I didn’t say anything. Private message tabs started flashing on my screen almost immediately. Some were dominant men who complimented on my avatar’s appearance and asked who owned me. They read my profile. They knew I was not a miss. None of them mentioned that maybe I should rather be on the stage then. Others were slaves. They obviously did not read my profile. Oh my, they were hungry. They didn’t only ask if they may dance for me but also if I was looking for a slave because they would be happy to become mine. I didn’t understand that. Why would you want to be owned by me when you don’t even know me? Deep inside, I knew the answer that was confirmed by Sir and other dominants with whom I had conversations. These kind and humble slaves were just playing. Most of them wanted the avatar game. The avatar whipping, avatar humiliation, and degrading words. For different reasons, of course. One of them was the same as my reason to enter this world. They were exploring their own feelings. A few days later, I had a great conversation with a dominant man, who later had become one of my best friends. He explained that many of the slaves had been deceived. They thought being a slave meant, well, what I wrote above about avatar game. There was no mental connection between them and their owners; that’s why they were jumping from one to another. What they thought was BDSM was extremely far away from BDSM. It was the same with a lot of masters and sirs too, by the way.

Based on Sir’s instructions, all I said to the girls who messaged me was that currently, I was not looking for anybody. I did let them to dance for me, though. Not because I enjoyed it but because I didn’t want to reject them. And then, to my biggest surprise, something had changed. I’m talking about myself. It was clear that I attracted other submissives. Sir was right. I didn’t (and still don’t) know why and how. One person literally dropped to his knees in front of me, saying he just felt he wanted to. Even if he was joking, it shocked me. I had many chats in the Garden, and all of them were indeed valuable. Suddenly, I felt a certain power I never felt before. It wasn’t the arrogant or controlling power. I didn’t feel superior. I simply gained a truckload of confidence. I knew that’s what Sir wanted to show me, and I desperately wanted to share my experiences with him. I couldn’t. He disappeared.

I waited for him every single night up until 3 am my time. He always came in late at night but never after 3. I was worried, hurt, disappointed, and sad. One thing I learned about D/s is that the dominant is responsible for the submissive. He/she should care, protect, instruct. I felt betrayed.  I asked my new friends a lot of why, how, when questions. One of them said he does it on purpose. It’s a typical mind game. My best friend wanted to beat him up. He was outraged by the fact that Sir didn’t even send me a message on my profile. Finally, he returned after a week.  In Utherverse, if you are someone’s friend list, you have the option to jump to their avatar. He jumped me. The problem was that I was with another man…

To be continued

Eyes Wide Shut (part 1)

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So, I had a new virtual life. Soon, it had become just as real as my everyday life at home. It gave me what I couldn’t have: opportunities to socialize and express my creativity.  I tried to follow the crowd, but there were downtimes when I got really bored, especially at night. Although the transport centers -where you land when you log in- were still like eerie ghost towns, I often hung out there…waiting for new, soon-to-be friends or at least a person with whom I can talk.

On this particular night, a private message started flashing on the bottom of the screen. The avatar behind the sender was standing right next to me. His message was a simple greeting that I answered. Ten minutes later, we were having a conversation. A very interesting one.

At this point, I need to completely change the subject for a bit to explain what happened next. Over the years, my marriage transformed from a romantic relationship into a friendship. We loved (and still love) each other but the romantic feelings and physical desires had been gone for years. I tried to accept it, truly. I had a very active sexual life in my 20’s. Maybe it’s ok to settle down. Oh my god, that sounds terrible. I am 41, not 81. Who am I kidding? And what could I do about it? I had a lot of desires that I suppressed for a long time up until I felt that I was going to explode and kill someone. Instead, I had a random affair. I’m not proud of it. I don’t regret it either. Then I tried to make changes in my marriage. Of course, it didn’t work. I escaped and immersed myself in all sorts of fantasies in the company of my sex toys. That was my solution. Pathetic…or maybe not, depends on how you look at it. There is one awesome thing about fantasizing: you can learn a lot about yourself if you pay attention. One particular fantasy of mine had begun to knock on the door of my mind to let me know it’s something I should expand. It was submission.

I’m the type who wears pants in a relationship but not in bed. In intimate situations, I want to be led and overpowered. I want to be the prey. I agree with people who say that no matter how the world changes, we will always have those primal desires, and women have the submissive nature even if they bury it. It doesn’t mean we want to be oppressed as human beings! Unfortunately, many of us simply don’t get that submission is not equal to being a vegetable under a man’s knife. Anyways, I couldn’t explore my desires with my husband. He didn’t like the idea. We had numerous conversations. Eventually, I gave up, but I didn’t blame him at all. Nonetheless, my fantasies were still there, and although it may be hard to believe, they had become pushier by the hour. More importantly, I soon realized that it was not about only sex. There was something else. Something about submission and power exchange attracted me. I really didn’t understand it, but that didn’t matter. I had a new solution. From that point, I looked at Utherverse from a different angle. No, I’m neither stupid nor naïve. Virtual sex, flings, adventures…silly, spiked with the possibility of emotional trauma. But you know, I had to open my mind. If you keep suppressing a yearning that, for whatever reason, seems to be deeper than you’d think, it will take revenge and eat you up. I knew that my desire was not only sexual. It had a root inside my soul, and I had to figure it out. I wasn’t seeking opportunities to meet men in Utherverse. I was just doing my thing and kept my eyes open. I knew that Utherverse had D/s (Dominant/submissive) groups. Some were ridiculous, and I could see that even without being educated about the topic. That’s why I didn’t knock on those doors. I hoped that I would run into people who can tell me more. I wasn’t interested in whips, paddles, and ropes. I was interested in the ideas behind it. I quickly understood that it was not BDSM sex that turned me on. It was the psychology behind it.